Shall We Dance?
by EE's Skysong
Summary: Remy's life is going well. He's joined Xavier, all that. And then of course he gets a letter from a certain plant we all love to hate and get's called back home. He gets Rogue to pose as his fiancee to get his family off his back. Not cliched, trust me.
1. Default Chapter

Super Disclaimer: What's theirs is theirs. What's mine is mine. Don't confuse theirs with mine, for a lawsuit often offends.

(An: This is what I get for watching Anastasia at five-thirty in the morning. It's not a plot-copy, nor is it a parody, it's just a play off it that resulted of my tired, Romy-obsessed brain. The only special thing to report here is that Remy's joined the X-men. Which isn't all that special, really.)

Remy LeBeau was upset. Very, _very_ upset indeed.

"_Non, non, non,_ dis can't be happenin'," he muttered, pacing his room. The letter on his bed seemed to be mocking him, the bearer of bad news.

Rogue leaned in his doorway. "Hey, Remy, Ah-" She stopped mid-sentence. "What's up with ya?"

Remy looked over from his pacing. "Bad t'ings, Rogue, very bad t'ings." He gestured at the letter on his bed. "Remember dat girl I told y' about, Belle?"

"The poisonous plant who can't decide whether she want's ta murder ya or marry ya?"

"_Oui_, dat de one. She found out."

"Found out what?" asked Rogue.

Remy sat down on his bed with a sigh. "She found out dat I ain't workin' for Magneto anymore," he said disparetely.

"Remy, that ain't exactly breakin' news," said Rogue.

"M' family in de South didn't know about it," said Remy. "Dat's what kept me out of havin' t' deal wit' dem, dey t'ought I had a contract wit' Magneto. Which I did, so dey left me alone. But now dey found out I quit. Since m' contract with Xavier is still in legal limbo, dey decided now is a good time to come home."

"Yeah, so?" replied Rogue.

Remy looked up. "Rogue. I _cannot_ marry Belle. She's completely _fou!_ Her whole family is!"

" '_Fou_?' " echoed Rogue.

"Crazy! Insane! Whatever! De point is, I'm not gettin' married to her! She's creepy!"

"So how can ya get out of it?"

Remy leaned back against the wall. "Well, dere only seems t' be three options: 1) kill myself. 2) try and fix dat whole t'ing wit' de professor. Or 3), get someone to pretend t' be my fiancee."

"So why haven't ya talked to the professor?"

"I did, dat's de problem!" cried Remy, waving his hands in the air. "He can't do it! Dere's too much red tape! By de time he got it worked out, I'd be married into dat! Stuck for life with the most evil woman on de planet!"

"What about numbah 3?"

"3 is definitely out."

"Why?"

"T'ink about it, Rogue. My list of options is thin."

"There're lots of girls in the mansion," replied Rogue. "Take yer pick."

"_Non_, dere's not. Well, dere are, but not many are free. T'ink 'bout it." He stood up, and began to tick off names while pacing. "Jean and Kitty are taken. I don't t'ink Scott and Kurt would take kindly t' me 'borrowin' deir girlfriends. Ororo's **way** too old. Jubilee's goin' out wit' Bobby, Rahne's wit' Sam, and Amara'd probably get along wit' Belle. Not dat I'd go anywhere near dose girls anyway. Waaay too young. And I'd **never** pretend t' be gay. So dat leaves you, and you'd never-" He stopped and gave her shrewd look, and then shook his head. "_Non_, you'd never do it."

"Do what?"

"Pretend t' be engaged t' me!"

"Got that right," muttered Rogue.

" 'M doomed," said Remy, flopping back on his bed. "Y' may as well hang me now. De noose's already 'round m' neck." He let out a pathetic moan.

Rogue sighed. "Are ya sure there's no other way out of it?"

"Y' think I haven't spent de last four hours tryin' to figure dat out? Dere's no other ways. It's all over. 'M doomed. Farewell freedom."

"What makes ya think Ah won't help ya?" asked Rogue, bending over him so she was looking into his face.

"Because you hate me. Y' can't stand t' be in de same room wit' me for more den a half-hour. My day isn't complete until y' tell me t' curl up and die. Must I go on? Can't you just leave me mourn m' life in peace?" His expression was pathetic, like a puppy that's been hit several times by the same person.

"How long would Ah havta do this?" asked Rogue.

Remy blinked and opened and closed his mouth a few times, like a dieing fish. "...About two weeks, I t'ink. One to work on de con and one at the most down in N'Awlins. Y' mean you'd do it?" His expression was still puppy-like, but now it was a puppy being stroked by said person.

"Ah think Ah can survive two weeks..." said Rogue.

"YES!" shouted Remy, springing off the bed. He threw his arms around Rogue's neck. "Thank you thank you thank you!"

"Remy-"

Kazap!

"Y' okay, swamp rat?" asked Rogue in a distinctly Cajun accent.

"_Oui_, just let m' find m' dignity," said Remy from the floor.

"Good luck wit' dat. When do w' leave?" R_o_gue ground her teeth. _The things I do for this idiot,_ she thought.

"A week enough time?" asked Remy, pulling himself up.

"Ah havta put up with y' dat long?" asked Rogue.

"Ordinarily, _non._ But t' convince dem to let m' off, we have t' train y'."

"In what, fifty best ways t' pull off a con?"

"Y' could put it dat way," said Remy, sitting on the bed again. "Although we only need to convince 'em of 5 t'ings. Things dey've come to expect from m' girlfriends."

"Which would be?" asked Rogue, talking almost normally again. She leaned against the wall.

"Well, 1 is good," he said, walking around Rogue.

"What's 1?"

"She has to be _tres belle._ Got dat down. 2, we can work on. She has to know how to dance- waltzes and all that _merde_. 3 is out though."

"What's 3?"

"Romantic crap- kissin' and all dat."

"Oh, yeah, definitely out," muttered Rogue.

"Anyway, hmmm, 4 is do-able too."

"And 4 is...?"

"Convincin' 'em dat-" he put on his best tragic-guy-in-love expression, "y' just can't go against _l'amour_."

Rogue snorted.

"And 5's good too. We just have t' forge a few papers. Meet m' dis time tommorrow, in de rec room, _oui?_"

"Whatevah. See ya tomorrow, swamp rat," said Rogue and walked out."

THE NEXT DAY

Kurt was stretched out on the couch when Remy walked in, looking frazzled. "What's up with you?" he asked.

"Your sister _cannot_ dance," he replied absently.

"What?" asked Kurt, sitting up.

Remy didn't appear to hear him. He walked into the kitchen and began flipping through the cookbooks, choosing one and walking back out.

Kurt blinked and bamfed after him.

Outside in the courtyard, Rogue was sitting on a bench, massaging her forehead. Kurt bamfed next to her. "Hi Rogue!" he said.

Rogue blinked. "Oh, hi Kurt. What're ya doin' here?"

"I wanted to see what you and Remy were doing," he replied.

Rogue blinked again and seemed to snap out of a trance. "Oh, no, no, no. Get out of here. It's bad enough Ah'm makin' a fool of mahself in front of the swamp rat. There's no way Ah'm actin' stupid in front of ya and havin' it spread throughout the entire mansion!" She stood up and made a shooing motion at him.

Kurt gave her an evil grin but didn't move.

"Don't ya have a date with Kitty or somethin'?" asked Rogue, putting her hands on her hips.

"Nope, not for another-" he checked his watch, "two hours, anyway. And this is almost as interesting as _meine Katzchen, _anyway." His grin grew wider and he bamfed to a tree. His teeth and eyes glinted at her.

"Get down from there. Ya look like some freaky blue cheshire cat."

Kurt was about to comply when Remy came in. He was holding the cookbook, a tape measure, and a good bit of string.

"What's all that for?" asked Rogue, looking suspicious.

"Balance!" replied Remy. "Balance is de key!"

Rogue sat back down on the bench. "Why did Ah agree ta this again?!" she asked the sky.

"Agree to what?" asked Kurt from the tree.

"Ack!" said Remy. "Kurt, what are y' doin' here?!"

"Trying to figure out what **you** guys are doing here," said Kurt in a 'duh' tone.

Remy nearly dropped his stuff. "_Mon Diue,_ can't I ever catch a break?" he muttered as he set down his stuff on an unoccupied bench. He then pulled Rogue to her feet and began to arrange the items.

Then Kitty phased in. "Hey, Kurt, do you, like, still have my sweater? I can't find it, like, **anywhere**." Kitty trailed off, seeing the strange scene before her.

Remy had stretched a length of string between Kurt's tree and the benches. Rogue was attempting to walk along it with the cookbook balanced on her head.

Kurt bamfed over by Kitty. "It's weird, isn't it?" he asked. "And no, I don't have your lovely sweater. Did you ask Jubilee?"

"Like, yeah but she said she, like, hasn't seen it either and Amara-" She stopped short as Rogue tipped over with a shriek. Remy quickly stepped up and grabbed her before she hit the ground.

Both teens groaned. "Dis is goin' t' take longer den I thought," muttered Remy, helping her up. He led her back towards the benches and put the cookbook back on her head. "Try again. We have t' get dis down."

"Ok, what are you two, like, doing?" asked Kitty, putting her hands on her hips.

Remy and Rogue looked over like they had just noticed she was there (which they had). "Er..." they both said in unison.

"Well?" asked Kitty, tapping her foot.

"Trust meh Kit, ya wouldn't believe us," said Rogue, shaking her head.

"Try me," replied Kitty, raising her eyebrows.

"Ok, sit down. It's a bit of a story." Kitty and Kurt complied. Rogue leaned against the tree. "Ya get the first part, swamp rat."

Remy sighed. "All right, it goes like dis. Dere's dis crazy woman back in N'Awlins, see. I had an arranged marriage wit' her, very messy affair. So I got her off my back when I joined Magneto. So, just now, de Guilds down South found out dat I'm workin' for Xavier. Since I don't have a contract wit' him- not yet, anyway- dey decided it was time to call me back. Your turn," he said, prodding Rogue.

"So Ah walked into the swamp rat's room yesterday, and he's actin' like a puppy, see. The only other way he'd get out of it is if someone pretended to be engaged ta him. So, somehow, he convinced meh ta act tha part. So now he's tryin' ta teach meh ta waltz."

"What does that have to do with all that?" asked Kurt, gesturing at the string and the cookbook.

"Rogue doesn't have de balance t' waltz," said Remy.

"Ah do too have balance!" snapped Rogue. "Ah just can't lean on a swamp rat! Mah reputation is bad enough as is!"

"So you two are going to attempt to convince a group of thieves that you guys- who can't stand each other- are engaged? You'll never pull it off," said Kurt. "Unless..." he said, looking over at Kitty.

" 'Unless?' " echoed Remy and Rogue with blank looks.

"Unless you have help."

"So that's why we'll, like, come with you!" finished Kitty. Kurt nodded.

"Oh, Lord," said Rogue and Remy in unison.

"Don't do that," said Kurt. "It's creepy, really." He bobbed his head in an exuberant nod.

The other two groaned and leaned agains the tree. "That's it, we're dead," said Rogue.

"_Oui_," said Remy. "I thought Belle was bad. Dis is worse. Betrayed by m' own friends. De end is near, _chere_."

"Got that right, anyway."

DAY TWO

The group was once again out in the courtyard.

Rogue and Remy collapsed on the ground, looking fatigued. "Well, we got the waltz down, anyway," said Remy. "Just be glad m' family doesn't like de foxtrot."

Kurt and Kitty were plotting quietly in the corner.

"Should we do something about them?" asked Rogue.

"We'll kill them later, _oui_?"

"Yeah. Later's good."

DAY THREE

"Oh, no, no, NO!" Rogue ducked behind the couch. "There is NO way Ah'm wearin' that!"

"Wearin' what?" asked Remy, walking into the rec room.

"That," said Rogue, pointing at the dress on the coffee table with a finger that shook.

"That" was a sleeveless dark purple dress with a light blue shawl. It was long and fancy. Rogue looked terrified at the prospect of going anywhere near it.

"Aw, come on, Rogue, it's, like, awesome!" said Kitty, trying to coax Rogue out.

"Yeah!" said Kurt, bobbing his head like he had two days earlier. "Come on, at least try it on?"

"NO!" yelled Rogue.

Remy was looking at the dress and then at Rogue with that shrewd expression again. "It's perfect," he said with a nod.

Rogue squeaked and went farther behind the couch. "NO!" she shouted again.

Remy stuck his head down by her. "You're goin' t' wear it, Rogue," he said firmly. "M' parents are sticklers for tradition. This should shut them up, on that aspect at least. Don't you want to see if it fits first?"

Rogue just glared at him. "Come a little closer and say that," she said in a growl.

DAY FOUR

"Ah can't believe Ah'm doin' this!" shouted Rogue, throwing her arms in the air.

"What is an engagement wit'out a ring?" asked Remy, dragging her along.

Yes, Kurt and Kitty were coming along for the ride, if only to laugh their heads off. Even now they were quietly snickering.

They stopped in front of Zales.

"Dis is it," said Remy, taking a hesitant step. "May I never have t' do dis again," he muttered.

Kurt and Remy began to examine the shelves. They were both experts on jewelry. Neither had gained their knowledge by reputable means. (Kurt is a Romany Gypsy. They don't usually steal things, but people say they do. So they get taught to know when they're getting ripped off because of their reputations.)

Rogue was just leaning her head against the cool glass of the window by the seats in the corner. Kitty was attempting to cheer her up.

"This looks like a good one," said Kurt, pointing at a small gold ring. It had three diamonds set in it and was labeled "The Eternity Ring."

"Hmm," murmered Remy, inspecting it. "It's a bit of a rip-off, but I guess beggars can't be choosers." He shrugged.

"Can I help you?" asked "Hello-my-name-is-Jean-Claude-how-may-I-rip-you-off-today?" JC for short. JC did not like having- ugh- **teenagers** in his store. They left fingerprints on the glass and nosemarks on the counters. And they were always dressed so- also ugh- **commonly**!

"Dat one," said Remy, pointing at the Eternity Ring. His face was carefully blank and his hands were jammed in his pockets.

"Ah, yes," said JC in his best "Simpering French Guy Who Lives to Serve" tone. "A fine choice, if a bit expensive. Are you sure you can pay for it?"

Remy pulled out a wad of bills. "Do y' take cash?"

JC nearly fainted with delight. People rarely payed in cash. "Why, yes, of course, sir," said JC. Maybe he could convince them to let him take the whole wad.

But no, the one who'd spoken pulled a few bills out of the wad and handed them to him. The wad wasn't much decreased.

JC nearly dropped his "Simpering Servant" act. Nearly, anyway. He handed them the ring without another word.

His friend spoke up, grinning somewhat evilly, or so it seemed to JC. "Oh, and the next time you have customers, you might like to put out the ones with **real** diamonds in them," he said sweetly. "Might take the, er, reputation of this fine store down a few notches, _ja_?"

The one with the ring rolled his eyes. He headed for the door. "Come on, Rogue," he said over his shoulder.

JC was still in shock when the teenagers exited. "How rude," he muttered, long after they'd walked out.

DAY FIVE

The group was sitting in Remy's room. Remy was pacing again, checking things off a list. "Ok, dancing, check. Dress, check. Ring, check. De next t'ing on de list is French." He sighed and looked rather apprehensive.

"Ah can speak French, swamp rat," snapped Rogue.

"Yes, but dey don't usually teach swear words in class, _oui_? It would be best if you knew what m' family was callin' y' behind your back. And anyway, I've heard y' speak French. Your accent is **terrible.**"

"Nice ta know," muttered Rogue.

Kurt and Kitty smiled impishly. It was amazing how much they looked alike when they did that. "We'll, like, leave you two alone, shall we?" said Kitty sweetly. Kurt bamfed them both out.

"What's up wit' dem?" asked Remy, looking confused.

"They never make sense. Can we get this over with?"

Remy blinked and nodded. "Ok, let's see," he muttered as he pulled out another list.

"How many of those do ya have?" asked Rogue, staring at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Lots," said Remy absently. "If I don't write somethin' down I tend t' forget it." He skimmed it. "Ok, what they're expectin' me t' say to y' is a lot of endearments- _chere, mon cour, je t'aime,_ all dat. They don't know what you'll say though." He looked up at her expectantly.

"Ah suppose Ah could call ya sugah," said Rogue in a tone that suggested she'd rather not.

"_Oui_, sugah'll work," he muttered. He then explained the meanings of several rude things in French, which I can't put here and still have a PG rating.

Rogue looked rather stunned by the time he finished. "That's a pretty long list, swamp rat."

He shrugged. "Yeah, I know. Dat's why I never swear in English. Y' run out faster. And usually people can't tell what I'm callin' dem."

Rogue snorted.

Remy pulled out the first list. "Ok, French, check."

DAY SIX

"Now, I t'ink de only t'ing left is t' forge some papers," said Remy to Rogue. "We got de whole t'ing worked out wit' Xavier and all dat. I t'ink we're almost done."

Rogue leaned on the back of the couch. "**Finally,**" she muttered.

"What," asked Remy, looking up. "Haven't y' been enjoyin m' company?" He ducked the pillow Rogue threw at him.

A FEW HOURS LATER

"Sign here, and here, and here," said Remy, handing Rogue a pen.

She did, and Remy stacked the various papers. "We're done wit' dat. Now all we gotta do is pack."

DAY SEVEN

Rogue stared at the contents of her closet and wardrobe in disgust. There just wasn't much that would work in hot weather. "Arrgh," she muttered and let off a few of the curses she'd learned from Remy.

Kitty wasn't having the same problem. She had already packed. She phased in. "Still, like, having trouble?" she asked.

"Yeah," replied Rogue. She was about to say more when Kitty began going through her stuff. "Wha-?"

"I'm, like, helping you," replied Kitty in a 'duh' tone. "We've just got to balance the skin-covering clothes with the cool ones."

Rogue watched, mouth agape, as in the space of about five minutes, Kitty accomplished what she'd been attempting for the past hour.

"See?" asked Kitty, smiling. "That was easy! You'll just have to, like, stick close to Remy with some of the outfits." She grinned at Rogue and walked out.

Rogue blinked. _That girl nevah fails to amaze meh._

A FEW HOURS LATER, THE PLANE

Kurt grinned and leaned back in his seat. "We look like a bunch of regular tourists, _ja, meine fruend?_"

Remy didn't answer. He just groaned and leaned his head against the window.

"What, the swamp rat doesn't get airsick, now does he?" asked Rogue, grinning. She and Kitty were seated behind the guys.

"A slow and painful death on you all," muttered Remy, and then looked as though he regretted speaking.

"Here," said Kurt. "As a token of my esteem, you can have my barf bag."

Remy gave him a look that suggested he would die first. Painfully.

A FEW MORE HOURS LATER, NEW ORLEANS

Remy had never looked more relieved than when they got off that plane. Then he seemed to remember why they were here. "I think I'm going t' be sick," he muttered.

"What, again?" asked the others in unison.

"Why can't you all shut up?!" he begged.

"Because we're doing you a **favor**, remember?" Rogue said.

"I should've hung myself when I had the chance," muttered Remy under his breath.

They took a taxi to the Guild headquarters.

The group looked up at the building. "And now, _mes amis,_ we die."

"Don't be so gloomy!" said Kitty. Somehow she had managed to hold onto her perkiness.

Remy looked over at her, an expression of pure shock on his face. "You are seriously deranged."

"Like, thanks!" said Kitty. Her perkiness covered a good bit of the sarcasm.

Remy turned around to face his friends. "Ok guys, here's de way it works: No sudden movements, don't eat **anything** Emil offers you, and do **not** approach m' _pere._ Dey'll take it as an assassination attempt, and dey probably still haven't cleaned the floor from the last one." He turned to the door. His expression was that of a man about to walk down death row, or something similar.

He knocked on the door.

(Mwa-hahahah! How's that for a cliffhanger? I am aware that I should be working on my other fics, but this was just too fun to pass up. Read and Review. I'm so happy to finally have a story with Kurt in it that doesn't involve humor or an OC! -squeezes mini-blue elf-)


	2. The infamous LeBeau clan is not easy to ...

(An: This story is -really- fun to work on. Since I'm only gauging it at about five chapters or so, I want to finish it before going back to my other fics. I'm being a bit blocked on them anyway.)

Remy's brother Henri answered the door. "Oh, so de youngest brother decided t' show up fer his weddin', den?"

"Shut up, Henri," replied Remy.

"Who're your friends?" asked Henri, leaning against the doorway.

"Kitty, Kurt," he pointed at them, and then put on his best "guy-in-love" expression and put his arm around Rogue. "And dis is m' fiancee, Rogue."

The shocked look on Henri's face was worth all the work. Unable to speak, he led them down the hall. He opened the door for Remy and Rogue and led Kitty and Kurt farther down.

The head of the LeBeau clan looked up from his paperwork. "Ah, Remy, I see y' got de letter."

"_Oui_, I got it," said Remy cooly. "'M here t' say I can't marry Belle."

Jean-Luc LeBeau sighed. "What's your excuse this time?"

"I've already got a fiancee," Remy replied, dragging Rogue into view. Very, very softly he whispered, "Don't say anything unless he speaks t' y'. Just look girlfriendy," into her ear.

There was a stunned silence in the room.

"Ah don't think Ah'm makin' that much of an impression," whispered Rogue.

"Dat's de idea," replied Remy, grinning.

"Sit," said Jean-Luc. "Explain." He was still in too much shock to speak more than one word at a time.

"It very simple, _pere_. I met Rogue, fell in love, and m' contract wit' Magneto expired. Right, _chere_?" He looked at Rogue with a simpering lover's smile.

Rogue copied it but hers had an undertone of "I'm going to hurt ya later," to it.

Remy covered her hand with his and mouthed, "Bear wit' me. Just play along." He then turned back to his father.

"Remy, if you're goin' t' lie, at least be convincing."

Remy put on a shocked/hurt look. "What, are y' sayin' y' don' believe m'?

Jean-Luc stared back at Remy. "Y' expect m' t' believe dat de so-called King o' Hearts would hang up his title for one girl?" He snorted.

"_Oui_," said Remy cheerfully.

"Elaborate."

"We'll spare ya the details, shall we?" said Rogue sweetly.

Remy just beamed at his father.

"And jus' **how** do y' expect m' t' break dis t' Marius?"

"Break it to him gently," advised Remy with a sage nod.

Jean-Luc sighed again. "Out," he said, waving a hand at the door.

Remy and Rogue complied.

THE LEBEAU KITCHEN

Kitty and Kurt weren't faring as well.

Emil had led them to the kitchen, where they were fidgeting at a table.

Tante Mattie was bustling about, making dinner. She chopped up a last few vegetables and sat down in front of them. Somehow her stare was just as creepy as Remy's, even though her eyes were normal. "So, you two are Remy's _amis,_ den?"

"Um, like, yeah," said Kitty, playing with Kurt's hand under the table. Kurt was tying his tail in knots in the same place.

"You come from dat school, de Xavier whatever?"

"Uh-huh," said Kitty.

"I see... So den you two understand what's going on?"

"Like, more or less," said Kitty.

"Explain, _si vous plait._"

"Well, it's, like, pretty simple. Remy and Rogue met, like, a few months ago and it was just, like, fate. They got engaged last week and they came down here to, like, sort this whole thing out."

"Why did dey bring you?"

"Well, like, Kurt is one of the witnesses on the engagement papers. The other one was, like, Hank, but he runs the school's med lab, so he couldn't, like, come. So they sent me." She fidgeted.

"All right," said Tante Mattie, seeming satisfied. She stood up and went back to bustling around her kitchen.

Kurt let out his breath in a whoosh and leaned back against the wall. "This is strange, eh, _Katzchen?_"

"Yeah," agreed Kitty, nodding.

Remy and Rogue came into the doorway. "Save us!" mouthed Kurt.

Remy snorted, and gestured for Rogue to sit down. He leaned against the doorway. "Henri's gone, right?" he asked Mattie.

"_Oui,_" she replied.

Remy made a gesture as though thanking the heavens for this mercy and sat down by Rogue.

"So, how'd it, like, go?" asked Kitty softly.

"_Mon pere_ is just a **tad** upset," said Remy, putting his finger and thumb an inch apart.

Now it was Rogue's turn to snort.

"He wants t' talk t' all of us later."

"Much later," said Rogue.

"_Oui,_ probably sometime next year. It'll take him dat long t' get over de shock."

Kurt sniffed the air hopefully. "Please tell me we get to **eat** some of that?" he asked, looking at the pots simmering on the stove. "Airplane food is nice and all but I need something with **calories!**"

"Unless m' family's joined some wierd cult where dey sacrifice gumbo t' de bayou, I t'ink we get t' eat it."

Rogue looked over at him, one eyebrow raised.

"Hey, it could happen," said Remy, leaning back on his chair.

"Yeah, in some freaky alternate universe," said Rogue, rolling her eyes.

Remy shrugged and put his hands behind his head.

"Don't get too comfortable," said Henri, walking by. "Dad's on the warpath."

"Fun, fun, eh, Henri?" replied Remy.

"Oh, _oui,_ it'll be fun once he gets in here," retorted Henri. "Once the smoke clears perhaps I can pick apart whatever's left of you."

"Your family's creepy," said Kitty after Henri walked off.

"Don't I know it. Why you t'ink I left?"

ABOUT AN HOUR LATER

Jean-Luc had finally gotten over the shock. He summoned the travelers back to his office by way of Emil and was now surveying them over his steepled fingers. "All right, start at the beginning. Explain your 'relationship' t' me. Don't spare the details."

"All right, den. Rogue and I met in a warehouse, I tried t' blow her up, she tried to smack me, dat old biscuit."

"You're a mutant?" interjected Jean-Luc.

"Sort of. Ah have, um, healin' powers, so if Ah get hurt it just fixes itself," said Rogue.

"Anyway, it was love at first sight and all dat.So den I broke it off wit' Magneto and Rogue set m' straight. We got engaged last week." He made his best tragic "my-life-sucks-but-with-her-help-I'm-dealin'" expression.

"And y', why did y' go wit' Remy?"

Rogue looked at the floor for a moment, and when she did speak, her voice was thick with (faked) emotion. "Ya see, Mr. LeBeau, mah daddy had this habit of, er, molestin' meh in public. When Ah told Remy, he was real understandin' and everythin'. He's nevah pushed meh or anythin' like that." She looked up now, with tears (also faked) in her eyes. "He's just a great guy." Rogue was an excellent actress.

In the back Kitty and Kurt had to stuff their fists in their mouths to keep from bursting out laughing.

Jean-Luc looked a bit stunned. "...Ah," he said after a few seconds. "I see." He turned back to Remy. Rogue seemed to upset him. "Marius is having a large party in honor of Belle's 20th birthday. It's tommorrow. You can tell dem den, _oui?_"

Remy picked up on the "you" in that. He shook himself slightly. "_Oui,_" he said, blinking.

"_Bon_. You can go." Jean-Luc turned back to his paperwork. It was a clear sign that they were dismissed.

They hurried out. Once the group was sure they were out of earshot of anyone, they began to laugh, long and loud. They all had to lean on something. Or in Remy and Rogue's case, someone.

"Oh mah gawd, that was fun," gasped Rogue, when she could speak again.

"Got dat right," said Remy. Both seemed to realize they were leaning on each other at the same time and sprang apart.

Kitty and Kurt were still laughing too hard to speak. "Oh, man, 'he's just a great guy', you guys are too much!" said Kurt, wiping a tear from his eye.

"What, you t'ink I ain't?"

"It's not that you're, like, not, it's just that it's, like, not in that respect," said Kitty, lying on the floor with Kurt.

"Y'all are so **rude**," said Remy, drawing himself up to his full height and acting offended.

"Of course," said the three others in unison.

Kitty and Kurt helped each other up. "Like, now what?"

"Now, we try to find empty rooms on de other side of dis place," said Remy. "De noise in dese rooms can get kinda creepy at night."

The group shuddered.

"Like, EW..." said Kitty.

"Waaaay too much information, swamp rat!" said Rogue, smacking him on the arm.

Remy shrugged. "Follow me," he said, walking off.

The guest rooms were on the East wing of the house, a good distance away from the rest of the occupied rooms.

Remy sneezed. "_Mon Dieu, _it's dusty in here," he said, opening a few doors. He sneezed again. "It seems de guest accomodations are not what dey once were."

Kurt was holding his tail up off the ground. "Please tell me there's a shower somewhere around here?" he asked, whimpering at all the dust settling into his fur.

Remy paused in his room search. "Um, I t'ink it's... dat one." He pointed at a random door.

A large cloud of dust billowed out when Kurt opened it. He sneezed. "Oh man," said Kurt. "Do you have **any** idea how hard it is to get dust out of fur?"

Remy tried another door. "Oh, dere it is. I t'ink dat one's a closet," he added, waving away some more dust.

Kurt didn't answer. He just ducked into the room and slammed the door shut. There was the sound of running water and a shout of, "I am **so** sleeping in here!"

Remy opened the last door in the hallway. He sneezed, and Kitty giggled. "What?"

"You look like a rabbit when you do that," said Kitty, still giggling.

"A rabbit?" repeated Remy, looking confused.

"Ya know, if ya kinda turn yer head and squint," said Rogue, doing so, "there is kind of a resemblence."

Remy blinked. "I'm goin' t' ignore dat comment." He looked at the open doors on both sides of the hallway. "Well, dey all seem t' be in de same state of disrepair. Pick a door, any door." He grabbed the one at the end and went in. There were several very explosive sneezes before he was able to shut the door.

Kitty picked the room across from the bathroom. As she brought her stuff into it, she commented, "Hey Rogue, maybe you should start calling him, like, swamp rabbit."

Rogue snickered as she picked a random room of her own.

Anyone walking by at the time might have heard the sound of loud singing in German and then a chorus of "Shut up!"s from the occupied rooms. But of course, no one did. Nobody went by the guest wing. It was dusty there!

THE NEXT MORNING

Rogue banged on the door. "Kurt! Open up!"

"Could y' be **any** louder?" asked Remy, yawning.

"Yeah, some of us like to sleep later then seven, you know," agreed Kitty, also yawning.

"Yeah, Ah know, but fuzzbutt locked me out!" said Rogue. "Do ya have any idea how long it takes meh just ta put on mah makeup?!"

"So don't," said Remy, leaning against the wall. "Y' look better wit'out it anyway."

Rogue ducked her head but it was too late; Remy had already seen her blush.

"All right, all right, I'm out," said Kurt, walking out. "No rest for the fuzzy man." He went over to flirt with Kitty.

When Rogue came out, she was only wearing lipstick and eye shadow, instead of her usual layer-upon-layer-upon-layer of makeup. "Now what?"

"Now we go hide before m' family finds us. Dey'll be after us like bats outta hell," said Remy.

"Is that your answer to, like, everything?" asked Kitty.

Remy shrugged. "When dealin' wit' m' family it is. I've found it's usually de best policy.in dese situations."

"Where do we go?" asked Kurt.

Remy shrugged again. "Wherever, as long as it's far from here."

Now, if they'd left right then, they'd probably have escaped.

But, being a thief, Remy's brother Henri had a keen sense of hearing (and also a sadistic sense of humor, but that's not important nor is it related to his thief training). He had been walking by, searching for a particular book in the LeBeau library, which happened to be not far from the guest wing. He had paused in his search to listen to all the shouting.

"First," said Rogue, "Ah'm takin' this off." She pulled the ring from her finger. "It's bad enough havin' ta wear it in front o' people. Ah'm not wearin' it just for ya guys." She shuddered and handed it to Remy. "Ah still can't believe Ah agreed ta this. Are ya sure ya can't control your empathy Rem? 'Cause this all seems pretty suspicious, now that Ah look back."

"_Chere,_ if I could control m' empathy, Scoot would be a ballerina and de badger would wear ribbons in his hair. And de professor would let me drink beer," he added as an afterthought.

"BAD IMAGE!" screamed Kitty and Kurt at the same time, holding their hands over their eyes.

Curiousity peaked, Henri walked down the hall a little farther.

Now, until then, Kurt and Kitty had been hiding the fact that they were mutants. They didn't want to risk too much hysteria. Now, usually Henri was a very accepting guy. But seeing a fuzzy blue demon fall through a girl is a bit much for any guy to deal with. He squeaked, and instantly regretted it.

Hearing "Oh shit" in three different languages and four different accents is one of those things you never forget.

"Ok, what de hell is goin' on here?!" asked Henri, completely freaked out.

"Shit shit shit," whispered all four teens, again in three different languages and four different languages.

Remy sighed. "Well, I suppose y'd find out anyway, Henri, nosy weirdo dat y' are."

Henri ignored that comment. "Well?!"

"It goes like dis," said Remy. "M' friends Kitty and Kurt are mutants."

"I can see DAT!" snapped Henri. "But who's de blue guy?!"

"Kurt," chorused the girls and Remy.

"Eh heh, _guten morgen,_" said Kurt, waving a tridactyl hand, the other rubbing the back of his neck.

"And you're a mutant too, den," said Henri, pointing at Rogue.

"Yeah, Ah am," she said with a shrug.

"And you guys are trying to pull off a con so y' don' havta marry Belle?" he asked, pointing at the whole group.

Hearing "Oh shit" in that manner once is amazing enough. But you'd never expect to hear it twice. Henri got to, though.

"_Oui,_ we are," said Remy, looking a tad defeated. Then he glared at Henri. "Y' tell anyone and I'll blow up every one o' your manuscripts."

Henri squeaked. He was working on a number of Guild histories (and a few romance novels as well) and had been for years. He didn't relish the idea of a decade or so's hard work exploding into so much ash.

"I didn't t'ink so. Now den, you were..." Remy prompted.

"Never here, never heard a thing, never saw anything," said Henri.

"Good boy."

Henri ran off back to the library. The nice, **safe** library.

"Now let's get out of here before any more, ahem, mishaps happen, shall we?" said Remy.

(That's chapter two done. I may actually update some of my other stories... I just really, really wanted to work on this.

Oh mon bloody Dieu. I have never gotten such response to a story. NEVAR! -faints-

Star-Of-Chaos: Ack! Star-of-bloody-chaos reviewed my story! My crap! And it was positive. Yes I just remembered it's a mushroom. I'm not good at botany. -squeaks- I'm seeing lots of fainting and yelling.

Sweety: TY very much. I'm pleased. I meant it that way. I feel special when ppl call me funny.

PA: I know, I know, it killed me not putting it in but there'll be some in chapter three. Really. I think we'll get some honest Romy fluff in chapter five. I'm not going to let Rogue touch in this though. It's the easy way out.

Rogue14: Of course she is, I loathe Belladonna. I can't kill her, but I'll bash her AMAP.

EKA: Hmm, sounds like ETA. Heh. Thank you for the compliments.

TK: Oooh, a Kitty. How gratifying!

Ishy: I got a bunny on crack comment from ishy. Great Moments in History! Yowza yowza YOWza! I did attempt putting my minis on crack so they'd work faster. It wasn't pretty. Now I prefer Mountain Dew.

ME: There isn't any. I couldn't put any in. All I could put in were suggestive things. That hurt me as much as it did you, believe you.. ah me.

UG: A review pledge. I feel so special!

4Rogue: Nope, nope, nothin' t' see here folks. Or so they -think-... -evil laughter-

GG2008: Since you've probably read this chapter (And if you haven't, CHEATER) the idea is that they just "got engaged recently" and therefore haven't picked a date yet. And remember, this whole thing is to shake his family off his back.


	3. Stirrings and enter the mushroom, er pla...

(An: This is really fun story to work on.I just can't say that enough.

Oh my bloody god... I can't even say it in French anymore. So many reviews! –squeaks with joy- Seriously, guys, every review I had had me giggling and grinning and acting like a complete idiot. You are all so nice! I'm going to put the responses at the front so I won't forget... not that I would, but I might!

GG: Why do ppl bug me about updating when I update every bloody day? Sorry, I get bugged on that so much it's not even funny.. well it is to me but that's 'cause reviews make me happy.

Me: Rogue does NOT get control in this story, how many times must I stress that? She gets control in the –sequel-, the bloody sequel. Which I think will be called "Shall we Touch?" or something equally crappy like that.

SOC: Yeah, I showed my friend a picture of Scott and then told her to imagine him as a ballerina. She was rolling on the floor laughing so I figured it must be a funny image. Me, I just can't fathom Scott in tights.

PA: ....smoochie boochies? That's really weird pally. And there will be Romy kisses, just not skin-on-skin ones.

Ishy: Thank you. I love that line, myself. Ooh, sparkly... -spaces out and then snaps back to reality- Shiny things distract me. For me, you should really say, quick like a mini on crack, 'cause I replaced all my plot-bunnies with mini versions of the characters. They're much more efficient, but they get bored easily, which is why I'm constantly skipping around in my fics.

SMS: Thank you very much. You are much too kind with all those capitals.

SkyAngel: Believe you me, I know what you mean. My 'rents give me funny looks when I read Toddfan's fics. Hers are what make me laugh. Or, if you just like laughing at my fics, may I suggest my X-band series? It's funny enough, I suppose, since everyone else seems to think so. Me, I don't see it. –shrugs- But then, I only think a few of my lines are all that funny.

R14: Of course he is. I just put that in for the multiple bilingual shit lines. I simply couldn't resist.

Sweety: Hmm.. never thought of that. I imagine he would be dazed. I never consider the outcomes of my spit-takes, myself. I just thought it was funny.

Tsugath: Aren't you lucky. You get to find out in this very chappy. Of course, I had to hack at it to get it right, but meh.

ME: If you want Romy fluff... try my other stories. I put waaaay too much in them. May I suggest the "A Different Breed of Songfic" series? Not that I want to plug, but I just don't have the opportunities for fluff in this one. Not much, anyway. Chapter five will have some, anyway. Of course, I can suggest some Romyness here.

I've seen all these stories where they have, like, half a page of review responses. But I never, ever, imagined that I would be doing it myself. Now, ordinarily, there would be a big fuss and probably a fight if this chapter were being written by anyone else. But you know me, I'm a mistress of madness. I can't write action to save my life, and I sometimes have a problem following through. So this might be a tad off form.)

The group hid on one of the many mini-islands that dotted the bayou that was Remy's backyard. They did have to go in eventually though. They walked back to the mansion, Remy moaning about his fate the whole way there.

"I can't believe 'm doin' this," muttered Remy. "I should have just stayed out dere. Safer dat way."

"Aw, zip it swamp rat," said Rogue. "Ah'm the one who has to wear that dress." She shuddered at the thought.

"But y' don' havta face Belladonna," said Remy. "She's like some kind of weird, soul-sucking leech. If she sees me, she'll latch on and never let m' go."

"That's why Ah'm posin' as yer date, remembah?" said Rogue.

"_Oui, oui, _I know, but still!" He twitched. "She is seriously the creepiest woman alive."

"Just shut up, okay?" asked Rogue, glaring at him.

"Oh all right," muttered Remy.

A FEW HOURS LATER

Remy stared at his reflection in the mirror. He simply _loathed_ getting dressed up. But, it was unavoidable. He'd been attacked by Tantie Mattie, who had insisted that even though he was going to smash things to bits with both Guilds.. he still had to get dressed up anyway.

He sighed and knocked on Rogue's door. "Y' ready yet?" he asked.

"Just, like, a few more minutes!" said Kitty's voice.

Kitty speaking for Rogue could not spell good things.

Remy leaned against the wall to wait. "Y' know what dey're doin' in dere?" he asked Kurt, who was in a similar position.

"Not a clue," said Kurt with a shrug. "Kitty went in there as soon as she got dressed herself. The argument ended quickly. That's pretty much all I know."

"Great, just great," muttered Remy. He liked the way Rogue dressed. Not that he'd ever admit it, of course. In fact, he liked a lot of things about Rogue. He blinked. _'M goin' insane,_ he thought.

A few minutes later, Kitty came walking out. Her dress was some funny cream material with a blue shirt that went over it. The effect was charming. She looked great. "Like, come on, Rogue," she said, tugging on an arm that was hidden behind the door.

"No!" said Rogue. "There's no way Ah'm comin' out!"

Kitty tugged on the arm a little harder. "You're coming out whether you, like, want to or not," said Kitty. She frowned and phased Rogue through the door.

"You're goin' ta pay, valley girl," muttered Rogue.

Of course, Remy didn't hear any of that. He was focused on the way Rogue looked.

She was wearing the purple dress, with the blue shawl draped strategically over her bare arms, along with elbow length green gloves, made of something that looked like velvet. Her hair was done back in a bun with chopsticks holding it like that, and there was something sparkly in her white stripes. She was also blushing like mad under Remy's gaze. "Um, hi," she said, waving a hand.

Remy blinked and shook his head to clear it. "Damn, _chere_, you clean up well."

"Yeah, whatevah," muttered Rogue. She was still blushing.

ONE HOUR LATER

The group was sitting outside the Bodreaux mansion. There was the sound of a small band tuning up, and various things being moved around.

Jean-Luc had gone ahead to try to explain things to Marius, but by the sound of the shouting that had been going on for a while now, it was evident that it wasn't going well. Remy was fidgeting, messing with some cards he'd smuggled in and every once in a while letting one blow up.

Rogue looked over at him. "Would ya calm down? You're actin' like it's the end of the world. We're only going in there for a while!"

"Any time spent in de presence of Belladonna is another five years sapped off m' life, _chere_," said Remy.

"Stop being so pessimistic," said Kitty. "It's not **that** bad."

"Oh, but it is," said Remy. "I can already guess how tonight's goin' t' go. It'll start normally enough. I'll try t' reason wit' Belle and all dem, and den de question o' Rogue'll come up and it'll be a gigantic shoutin' match and all dat. Heads will roll, _mes amis._ Probably ours. Especially since it's de mushroom's birthday."

"The mushroom? You mean Belladonna?" asked Kurt, looking confused. He wasn't exactly up on the poisonous plants of Northern America.

"Speak not de name! Speak not de name!" cried Remy, clapping his hands over his ears. "It's almost as poisonous as she is!"

"Calm **down**," said Rogue, putting a hand on his arm. "Repeat after me, swamp rat. It's. Not. That. Big. A. Deal."

Remy began to pace. "But it **is**! How many times do I have t' tell y' people! Belle will make a big fuss and I'll be stuck here for de rest o' m' life, con or no con!"

"Swamp rat. That's not exactly somethin' ya want to go shoutin' to the whole neighborhood!" said Rogue, tugging on his arm now.

He stopped short, and looked over at her. He slumped back down into his seat. "'M doomed," he moaned and leaned back.

"Hey, at least we're all doomed together, right?" asked Kurt.

"Oh, _oui_, knowin' dat I'm draggin' m' friends down wit' m' makes m' feel so much better," muttered Remy.

Then Jean-Luc came out, looking frazzled. "I did m' best. Marius ain't exactly happy 'bout it, but dere's not much we can do about dat. I suppose de best t'ing t' do now is jus' t' send y' in dere. Belle says she wants t' dance. 'Course, she don' know a t'ing 'bout what's goin' on here."

"What, ya didn't tell her?" asked Rogue incredulously.

Jean-Luc looked over at her. "I have common sense. 'M leavin' dat lovely task t' y' two. Dere's undoubtedly goin' t' be an inter-Guild meetin' after dis! Go on in, den." He walked off, muttering to himself.

"I think we can sneak in the side and just join the dancing," said Kurt, looking in a window.

"Good idea," said Remy. "De less noticed we are, de better."

There was the sound of music starting. "Come on," said Remy, walking towards the door. "If we sneak on de dance floor, we can get Belle alone later."

Both he and Kurt bowed with a flourish and offered their arms to their respectable dates.

Both girls grinned and took them.

They walked in, and were lost in the waltzing couples on the floor. Remy noticed Rogue was stiffening up at the encroaching crowd, so he whispered, "Relax! Just trust m', ok?" Rogue looked up and Remy noticed how pretty her eyes were. "Jus' de one dance and den we get Belle and den we get de hell outta here," he whispered, as much to reassure Rogue of this as himself.

The dance went well.

"Are you as dizzy as Ah am?" asked Rogue.

"_Oui._ Maybe we should stop?"

"We have stopped," said Rogue. Indeed they had, without even noticing.

Meanwhile, Kitty and Kurt, not being the best waltzers (it's pretty hard to balance like that with fuzzy feet), were hiding by the punch bowl. However, this was more trouble then it was worth. People kept walking up to them and talking at them.

"You speak French?" whispered Kurt.

"Nope. You?"

"Only, 'I mean no harm' and that's not much use in a situation like this, _ja_? We're doomed."

"Yep," agreed Kitty grimly.

They sat down in the chairs that lined the sides of the room.

A tall man approached them. He asked them something, but it was interspersed with so much French and his accent was so thick that they didn't get a word.

"....What?" asked Kitty and Kurt in unison.

The man shook his head in disgust, muttered something like "Northerners," and walked off.

"Doomed," repeated Kurt.

Kitty didn't reply. She was finishing her third glass of punch, and Kurt was getting kind of worried about her.

There were several more encounters like this until Remy and Rogue finished their dance and joined them. Both looked rather flushed, even though the room was quite cool.

"Hey, Remy," said Kurt, "what's in this punch?"

Remy shrugged. "Champagne and fruit juice probably. Why?"

"Guunaght errrybaddy," slurred Kitty and tipped over.

Kurt sighed. "That's why. Poor _Katzchen_ has a very low tolerance for alcohol. I'll take her outside, shall I?"

"Good idea," agreed Remy. He noticed Belle crossing the room towards them and stiffened. He grabbed Rogue and pulled her over. "Act clingy," he hissed between teeth clenched in what he hoped resembled a cheerful grin.

Rogue blinked and then latched onto his arm.

Belladonna walked over. Now, poor Belle was not the smartest of the Bodreaux clan. Oh no. She was manipulative and knew how to get what she wanted, yes, but not all that bright. So, when she saw Rogue and Remy, she ignored the fact that Rogue was clutching Remy in a death grip and instead registered the fact that Remy was there.

"_Bonjour_, Belle," said Remy, still trying to smile. "Nice t' see y'."

She noticed Rogue now. "Who's your friend?" she asked, peering at her in the closest she could manage to a suspicious look. She had lost most of her facial movement about... oh six botox injections ago.

Remy's weird grin widened. "She's m' fiancee, Rogue."

It took a second for this to sink in. Once again, it was probably all that botox blocking her brain. "What?!"

Remy nodded, his grin a tad more genuine now as he saw Belle's reaction. It was amusing seeing someone trying to do angry and hurt when they couldn't move their face from a permanent grin. He glanced over at the clock. "Oh, would y' look at de time. So sorry, Belle, but I must leave now. Big meetin' in de mornin' and all." He walked off quickly before Belle could react further.

"Now what?" whispered Rogue.

"We leave. Fast."

EARLY THE NEXT MORNING, BACK AT THE LEBEAU MANSION

"Rogue, wake up," whispered Remy, gently shaking her.

"Wha- swamp rat?" Rogue yawned. "Do ya have any idea how early it is?"

"_Oui,_ sunrise," said Remy. "Come on, dere's somethin' I want t' show y'."

"Remy, it's five A.M."

"Jus' come, please?" He gently tugged on her shoulder.

"Oh, all right," muttered Rogue.

Remy grinned and led her outside. He took her to one of the small islands that was hidden in the dense shrubbery.

"Ya brought me out at five A.M. ta see a rock?" asked Rogue, unimpressed.

"Jus' wait a minute." Remy climbed the tree that overlooked the little strip of land and helped Rogue up. "Now, look dat way," he said, pointing East.

The sun was just rising over the bayou. Everything was still wet, so everything sparkled, turning the water beautiful shades of red and orange and tinting the plants the same.

Rogue gasped at the sight. "Wow.... It's beautiful," she whispered.

Remy slid an arm around her waist and said into her ear, _"Oui,_ y'are."

Rogue stiffened for a second and then relaxed, leaning back against him.

MEANWHILE, A FEW HOURS LATER

Kitty groaned and burrowed deeper into her blankets. She felt a gentle tap on her shoulder. "_Guten morgen, Katzchen,"_ whispered a voice into her ear.

"Go 'way," moaned Kitty.

"I have **aspirin,**" said Kurt.

Kitty groaned again. "Why can't you just let me die in peace?"

"'Cause then the poor fuzzy man would be all alone, and we don't want that, now do we?" He prodded her again.

Kitty threw her pillow at him.

"For someone with a hangover, you've got remarkably good aim," commented Kurt. "Come on, _Katzchen,_ it'll make you feel better."

Kitty moaned but sat up anyway. She accepted the mug and the pill that Kurt passed her. "How come you don't have a hangover?"

"Because, _Katzchen,_ I know my tolerance for alcohol."

"Which is?" asked Kitty, still somewhat grumpy. She drained her mug and the pounding headache that'd been playing a beat in her skull lessened.

"Considering my metabolism... about two sips."

Kitty giggled.

Kurt grinned and scooted over next to her. "Feeling better, then?"

Kitty smiled and leaned against him. "Yeah."

A FEW HOURS LATER

Remy and Rogue remained in the tree, talking, until long after the sun had risen.

There was a bamf and both teens almost fell out of the tree. Kurt waved them over. Both sighed and climbed down.

"Guys, guys!" said Kurt, hopping from foot to foot and tying his tail in fitful knots. "Belladonna's here! She's really pissed!"

Remy began muttering a quiet litany of curses in French under his breath.

"Shush," said Rogue to him and then turned to Kurt. "Ah suppose we'll just have ta meet her then."

"'M doomed," said Remy, for probably the fifteenth time within the last two weeks.

"We'll miss you, _meine fruend,"_ said Kurt, patting his shoulder. "Now, sadly, I must leave you. Poor _Katzchen_ has a hangover." He bamfed off.

Remy walked into the house and down towards the Guild meeting room. "Since you're so brave, y' get t' go first," said Remy, looking at the door as though it was a coiled snake waiting to strike.

Rogue shrugged and pushed open the door. She was then tackled by one very pissed off botox-blocked blond woman.

Belladonna glared down at her, pinning her to the ground. She inspected Rogue, and then stood up, brushing herself off. She sniffed in a manner that suggested she did not wish to waste her time talking to someone so inferior, and turned to Remy. She trailed a finger down his chest. "Hello, Remy," she said in what she thought was a flirtatious voice.

Remy looked at her finger as though it was a disgusting bug he longed to squash. He edged out of reach. "I see you've lost more of your sanity while I was away."

"So've you if you're settlin' for gutter trash like dat," replied Belle, with a derisive glance at Rogue.

Rogue's fingers twitched as though she longed to wrap them around Belle's neck and her glare intensified.

"**Don't** insult Rogue," snapped Remy, now looking at Belle with pure fury.

Belle was not at all phased by the fact that she had just got a guy who could blow her up mad at her. "I don' t'ink de Guilds are too pleased by what you've done Remy, do y'? M' father's getting' a tad.. touchy. T'ings could explode at any moment if you're not.. careful, _oui?"_

"Oh, _oui,_ t'ings will explode," said Remy, idly shuffling some cards he'd just taken out of his pocket. "Your t'ings, mebbe." Belladonna didn't seem to be getting the hint, so he lightly charged one of them and let it explode in front of her face.

She blinked.

"Not only is she named for a plant, but she's also got its IQ," commented Rogue in the tone of someone inspecting their fingernails.

Belle turned her icy gaze (Well, as close to icy as Belle got) on Rogue. "Oh, so de little piece of slime can talk, den?"

"At least Ah don't sound like a trained parrot," retorted Rogue.

"Both of y', dat's enough!" snapped Jean-Luc, arriving just then.

"_Oui," _agreed Marius. "Now is not de time for personal rivalries." (If you think about it, Marius's statement is pointless, since the whole feud between the Guilds is one gigantic rivalry.)

Both men walked into the room, indicating for the three to follow.

The Thief's Guild meeting room was a long, wide hallway with a table in it. Said table was almost as long as the room itself and had more than enough seats for the entire Guild.

Marius and Jean-Luc sat down at the head of the table. Belladonna sat down next to him, and Remy and Rogue sat down across from her, sending mutual glares of death in her direction. Belle didn't seem to notice.

Jean-Luc began the discussion, and from then on it was a game of verbal ping-pong between him and Marius.

"Is it always like this at these meetings?" whispered Rogue.

"Usually, yeah," said Remy. "Why dey t'ink stickin' me wit' dat will solve anythin' is beyond me."

This went on for a half-hour more, until Rogue stood up in disgust. Both Guild leaders looked at her in disgust. They were angry at being interrupted. Both of them weren't old, not exactly, but these debates were as close to actual fights as they got, and they were ticked off because of that. "Why don't you guys just wait until there's some other Bodreaux and LeBeau ya could stick together? It's obvious Belle and Remy hate each other. What would that solve?!"

Both leaders blinked. There was a stunned silence for a minute or two. "She's right..." said Jean-Luc slowly. "Why didn't we t'ink of dat?"

"'Cause it's a lot of paperwork," said Marius.

"True, but tryin' t' break Remy and Rogue's engagement in favor of Remy and Belle's would be more," Jean-Luc pointed out.

"Good point," said Marius. Both Guild leaders had one thing in common: a mutual fear of paperwork. It bogged them down and kept them out of the action even more then usual.

"Can we go now?" asked Remy impatiently. Both Guild leaders pointed at the door.

Rogue went out into the hall, but Remy paused before exiting. "Oh, Belle, a partin' gift." He took out a charged card and flicked it into her hair. He quickly slammed the door shut behind him.

There was a muffled explosion and a muffled shriek. Remy grinned. It was not a nice grin.

"Come on, _chere,_ let's get outta here, hmm?"

"Well, that was fun," commented Rogue.

"De fact dat y' can refer t' dat as fun, even sarcastically, proves dat you are more insane den ever," said Remy.

Rogue was about to retort when the power went out and the whole hallway was drenched in blackness.

(Hmm.. I'm not sure that was all that funny, but meh. It had Romy-ness, at least. Believe me, the next chapter will be better. Remy and Rogue discuss the ways of the universe while trapped.... Well we'll get to that. Now, here's where I'd say R&R, but I assume by the response I've already gotten that you guys already know what to do. So hop to it, hmm?)


	4. The rules of the universe, by R LeBeau

(An: Sorry I skipped updates but my idiotic computer wouldn't let me on the bloody internet for three days straight!

PA: ...Ah. I see. Creepy.

Angel-in-Black: You win a mini-swamp rat! W00t w00t for you! I was wondering if anyone would pick up on that. God, I love that movie.

Ishy: I simply LOATH Belle. I wish I could kill her off in all my stories. Unfortunately, haven't gotten that opportunity.Your gold stars are pretty but rather distracting.

Star-of-Chaos: Yeah, I never liked the arranged marriage plot-device, seemed a tad antiquated and cliched. Paperwork scares me. -nods-

Heartsyhawk: Ah, oui, I know dat. ETA tends to mention you in her reviews.

Sweety: She's a leech/mushroom hybrid! And I just use plant 'cause technically fungi are plants and it's safer then just outright calling her a mushroom.

Fudje: Why do ppl always taunt me with alchohol? WHY?!?

ME: She's not dead, sadly. Can't kill her off in this one... but I can bash her beyond belief. Thank you for the cookie.

Les: Everyone seems to hate Belle. With good reason, stupid-Remy stealing bimbo. -growls-

I know I have more reviews by now but, once again, my computer is preventing me from seeing it.)

"Well, dis is different," said Remy. He charged a card. From its small light, he could see his hand and Rogue's face. He sighed and let it poof to ashes.

"Too bad Kurt ain't here. At least he can see in the dark," said Rogue.

"_Oui,_ but I know m' way around," Remy pointed out. "Even in de dark. ...I t'ink anyway."

"That's it, we're doomed," said Rogue. There was a noise that suggested she had thrown her arms in the air.

Remy charged another card. "Come on, take m' hand. I t'ink I can find de fusebox."

Rogue rolled her eyes- at least Remy thought that was what she did, it was still really hard to see- but took the offered hand.

Remy had to concentrate to take his attention off Rogue's hand and switch it to finding the door to the meeting hall where the fusebox was. He felt the wall until he reached the door handle.

The meeting hall was empty. Jean-Luc and Marius were probably already working out the paperwork. He followed the wall until he reached the panel in the wall.

He lit a third card and opened it. He flipped what seemed to be the offending switch and there was a click and a humming sound as the power went back on. At the same time, a door opened beneath their feet.

Both landed on the ground with an unceremonious thud. The floor was dirt, so it didn't really hurt.. much.

"What happened?" asked Rogue, blinking up at the hole they had fallen through.

"Must've hit the trapdoor switch by mistake," said Remy, standing up. He noticed Rogue staring at him. "What?"

"You have a trapdoor?"

"_Oui_, security t'ing, every mansion needs one. Normal t'ing."

"Ya are so **strange**," said Rogue, shaking her head. "Now what?"

Remy began running his hands over the walls.

"Swamp rat, what're ya doin'?"

"Henri dumped m' in here a lot as a kid," said Remy. "Dere's a switch here somewhere."

"Ah see," said Rogue. "Ya sure they don't put anythin' in the water 'round here?"

"Huh?" asked Remy, pausing in his search to stare at her.

"'Cause your family is completely nuts."

"_Non_, now you're confusing us with de Bodreauxs. Dey de insane ones. Compared t' dem, m' family is perfectly normal and respectable." He touched a strange-looking brick and it slipped inward. A concealed door swung open in the wall. "Ah, dere w' go. Told y'." He walked down the tunnel that had opened, Rogue following close behind him. He was very aware of how close she was.

"Where does this lead?" asked Rogue, eyeing the slimy walls with suspicion.

"Above ground, t' dat one island I showed y' dis mornin'."

BACK AT THE MANSION, KITTY'S ROOM

"Well, it seems the power's back on," said Kurt. "Should we go look for Remy and Rogue?"

"I, like, guess so," said Kitty. The light had partially reawakened that nagging headache.

They headed off in no particular direction.

ABOUT HALF AN HOUR LATER

"Do you know where we are?" asked Kitty.

"Nope, no idea," said Kurt.

"That's, like, great, fuzzy. Just **great**."

Remy and Rogue were just walking by at the time. They were equally slimy and dusty, and stopped short when they heard Kitty's comment.

"Was Kitty just... sarcastic?!" asked Remy, looking shocked.

"Yeah," said Rogue. "Wierd, huh?"

Remy nodded. He seemed somewhat dazed.

"Remy? Remy!" Rogue snapped her fingers in front of his face.

A second later he blinked again. "What?"

"What is the matter with ya?! Yah're completely out of it!"

Remy looked at her. "You'd be as out of it as I 'm if your entire world was bein' turned on it's ear. Not'ing makes sense anymore!"

"**Yah're **the one makin' no sense. Explain."

"De most fundamental rules of de universe are bein' broken!"

" 'The most fundamental rules of the universe?' Ok, this one, Ah gotta hear."

"Well, in no particular order, dey go like dis: 1) I'm supposed to hate you. 2) You're supposed to hate m' back."

"What, ya mean we don't?" asked Rogue, eyebrow raised.

"Um, no, not anymore, apparently," said Remy, rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding her gaze. "Um, anyway, 3) Kitty is **not** supposed t' be sarcastic. **Ever.** She's supposed to be pink, in all aspects of her life. 4) is..." He trailed off, staring at the ceiling.

"What's four?" asked Rogue, tapping his shoulder.

He pointed at the ceiling. "4) is nobody should be able to make out on de ceiling. It's just not right."

Kurt and Kitty paused in their ceiling mack session to say in unison, "Don't deny it 'til you've tried it." Then they went back to business.

"Eeeeew," said Rogue and Remy, also in unison. They looked at each other, scared.

"Dis is **really** startin' t' freak m' out," said Remy, shuddering.

"Ya can say **that** again," agreed Rogue, also shuddering.

Remy smacked his forehead. "Dere goes number five."

"What's five?"

"We're not supposed to agree. On anything. EVER. But for dat, we'll make an exception, shall we?"

"Yeah, that's just **wrong**," said Rogue.

"It's scary. Scary in a bad way. Scarier den dis whole conversation, even."

"What's so scary about us talkin'?"

"Well, let's see, shall we? 1) Y' haven't called m' swamp rat. 2) Y' haven't insulted m'. 3) Y' haven't threatened t' hurt m'. 4) You're listening when I talk. And y' know what de scariest t'ing of all is?" His voice dropped to an apprehensive whisper.

Rogue leaned over by him. "Do enlighten meh," she said dryly.

For a split second a strange excitement entered Remy's eyes. But then he blinked, and seemed to snap out of it. "You've been doin' it all week," said Remy, quickly scooting away.

"Is that it? Swamp rat, yah're an idiot."

_"Oui,_ but 'm your idiot. And y' love m' anyway, right?" The retort was flippant and absentminded, but Remy seemed to regret saying it.

"Is **everythin'** an ego trip with ya?" asked Rogue, disgusted.

"Usually, although wit' y' it's more of a fifty-fifty thing."

And then Rogue did something utterly strange (to Remy, anyway): She laughed.

Remy looked stunned. "Did y' jus' laugh? At one o' m' jokes? **Intentionally?**"

"Yeah, so?"

"Number six," said Remy. "You have **never** laughed at one o' m' jokes."

"Ya ever considered that maybe the rules've changed?"

Remy looked over at her, and an understanding that was just as strange as the excitement entered his eyes. "_Oui,_ I guess dey do," he said softly.

"Then they aren't so fundamental, are they," said Rogue.

"Ah, but dey are," said Remy, nodding. "All rules change."

"How many of these 'rules of the universe' are there, anyway?"

"Lots," said Remy.

"And do all of them apply to us?"

"Only de first few dozen or so," said Remy with a shrug.

"Yah're really weird, Remy, has anyone ever told ya that?"

"_Oui,_ y', at least once a day."

Rogue snorted.

"Are you two quite done?" Remy asked Kurt and Kitty as they jumped off the ceiling.

They looked at each other. "Guess so," they said in unison.

"Stop that!" said Rogue and Remy in unison.

"It's creepier when you two do it," said Kurt, nodding solemnly.

"Well, how'd the thing with Belle, like, go?" asked Kitty.

Remy grinned. "'M finally off de hook! Dey seem t' have given up on m' and Belle and have moved on t' de next generation!" He threw his arms in the air as though thanking the sky for this mercy. "And y' know what else dis means? WE CAN LEAVE!"

The other three nodded. "He's really scary when he's like this," whispered Kurt.

"**Yeah,**" said Kitty.

"Now, anyway, where are we?" asked Kurt.

"By de guest wing," said Remy. "Come on, den." He walked into his room. There was the sound of things being emptied.

"So what were you guys doing?" asked Kitty, gesturing at the muck Rogue was covered in.

"As it turns out, Remy has a trapdoor switch in his fusebox. Isn't that weird?" asked Rogue.

Kitty nodded but Kurt said, "Hey, every mansion needs a trapdoor," before going in his room to pack.

"Ya know what's really weird?" asked Rogue.

"Like, what?"

"Remy said the exact same thing."

"Creeeeepy."

"Uh-huh."

Both girls walked into their rooms to pack.

(I think that was shorter than usual. I -will- attempt to make the next chapter longer, since it's the last. This is absolutely the most fun I've ever had on a story.)


	5. Everything's as it should be, more or le...

(An: Well, here it is, the last chapter. -sniffs- I can't promise the sequel will be out in a timely fashion; I need to work on my "different breed of songfic" series and "curiouser and curioser." Finally, the fluff you've all been waiting for! Ok, it's not that much. So sue me. There'll be more in the sequel.

EmeraldKatsEye: -edges away- Never had that happen before. Ewwwww!!!!! I hate Gambit slash! It's so WRONG!!! And yes, this is my most fun story to date. -wink-

Eileen Blazer: Yeah, I kind of imagined it and the picture I had in my head was pretty creepy. What section is this "Top Hat" under? I need to know this!

ME: Yes I love cookies. -nods- Amen sister! (or maybe brother, me isn't really gender-specific)

Ayame Ito: -le gasp- A flame! How rude! Now then, business. I understand that Rogue is "snippy" (snippy?) but she's helping him so she's holding off. And she's not even aware that she's playing, tyvm. And Remy was freaked out. I ask you this: Would you act normal and charming if a creepy bleach-blond was after your soul?! Well, maybe not your soul, but your life, anyway? Now where did I put Pyro...

Anee: A giggle-snort! What fun!

HH: Speaking of ETA... could you bug her to update? I'd do it myself but I don't have her email anymore. -shakes head-

SOC: Indeed. Very creepy. -nods-

A FEW HOURS LATER

Remy was dancing around singing "We can leave!" over and over again.

Kurt and Kitty were watching him while waiting for Rogue to finish packing.

He stopped short when Rogue came out. She stared at him, eyebrow raised. "Eh heh heh, yeah," said Remy, rubbing the back of his neck.

Rogue rolled her eyes.

"Let's go!" shouted Kurt and Remy in unison.

"Boys," muttered Kitty and Rogue also in unison.

"We have got to stop doing that," said all of them in unison.

"Man, that's creepy," muttered Kurt.

"Ya can say that again," said Rogue, patting him on the shoulder.

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, AT THE AIRPORT

"Well, we have a half-hour to wait," said Kurt, holding up the tickets. "Come on, _Katzchen._" The group headed outside, to a small park near the airport.

Remy tugged on Rogue's arm. "Hey, Rogue, could I talk to you for a second?"

"Ya already are," said Rogue, flipping through a magazine.

"**Alone?**"

Rogue rolled her eyes. "Whatevah," she muttered.

He led her off a distance to a wall.

He didn't speak for a moment, so Rogue did. "Ok, swamp rat, Ah want an explanation. Yah've been actin' reallah weird lately. Ya haven't flirted with me in ages (not that Ah mind) and it's really startin' ta creep me out." She poked him in the chest.

Remy blinked, and then shook his head. He gingerly pried Rogue's finger from his chest. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then began to ramble. "Ok, well it's just dat t'ings in general have been weird lately and 'm really confused and 'm not really sure but I t'ink dat maybe I might be in love wit' y-"

Rogue put a finger over his lips, ending his babbling. "And probably ya should have said that ta begin with," she said softly.

Remy nodded mutely.

Meanwhile, two girls sitting down the wall began to giggle quietly.

"Ah, curl up and die!" shouted Remy at them.

One smacked the other one on the arm. "Hey, _chaton,_ you owe m' five bucks," she said, before walking off with her friend.

Remy looked apalled.

Rogue looked like she was desperately trying not to laugh. "Who were they?" she asked, when she could speak without snickering.

"Two young acquaintences of mine who I need to kill. Remind m' o dat, hmm? De nerve, bettin' on m' love life."

Rogue gave up and leaned against Remy, laughing her lungs out.

Remy looked at her sadly. "Etu, _chere_?"

Rogue nodded, and when she could speak again, "_Oui._"

Kurt came over, shaking his head at the still laughing Rogue. "No respect, not even from your girlfriend. That's pretty pathetic, _meine fruend._"

Remy shrugged. "Hey, at least she's my girlfriend, _oui_? What do y' want, anyway?"

"The plane leaves in ten minutes. Just wanted to tell you guys that." He walked off.

Rogue sobered enough to speak. She looked up at Remy. "Hey, um, Remy, does it bother ya that Ah can't, um, touch ya or anythin'?"

Remy grinned at her. "_Non._ We can work around dat!" He stuck his finger in the air.

"How?"

Remy's grin widened. "I was hopin' y'd ask dat. Like dis." He flipped her mesh top over her lips and kissed her through it. Both looked rather stunned when they broke off. "...Damn, _chere_, for someone who's never kissed before, you're **good** at it."

Rogue was holding the edge of her top, looking at the mark her lipstick had left on it. "Why didn't Ah think of that?" she asked, sounding dazed.

"Because, _chere_, when it comes to cons, y' may be a woman after m' own heart, but when it comes to matters of _l'amour,_" he put on his most tragic lover's expression, "y' are sadly lacking."

TWENTY MINUTES LATER, THE PLANE

"So you two are, like, an item now?" asked Kitty, tapping Remy's shoulder.

Remy didn't answer. He was looking quite green.

"Ah suppose ya could say that," said Rogue, looking over at Remy and shaking her head.

Kitty turned to Kurt. "You, like, owe me five dollars."

"I know, I know," muttered Kurt.

"What is it with people and bettin' on m' love life?!" shouted Remy, and then looked like he regretted speaking.

The three other members of the X-men offered him their barf bags.

"Decisions, decisions, eh, Remy?" asked Kurt.

Remy glared at him.

"And it's just because your love life is so much more, like, interesting then ours," said Kitty, nodding.

Remy strangled the air, and then grabbed the offered bag.

Rogue sighed and muttered something like, "Ah think Ah'm goin' ta regret this."

BACK AT THE LEBEAU MANSION

Marius and Jean-Luc were staring at the pile of paperwork. "Jus' a few more minutes o' mental preparation," said Jean-Luc.

Marius nodded.

ONE HOUR LATER

"Any second now," said Marius.

TWO HOURS LATER

"We're gettin' t' de paperwork," said Jean-Luc.

"Can y' move it along?" asked Henri. "'M all out of time cards."

"_Non!_" shouted Marius and Jean-Luc in unison.

AT THE XAVIER MANSION

Remy was grinning. "It's over! IT'S OVER!" he yelled, walking up to his room.

"He's in an unusually good mood," observed Ororo.

"So is Stripes," said Logan.

"Five bucks says they're dating," said Ororo.

"You're on," replied Logan, with a grin.

"And it's back to the normal order of things, eh, _Katzchen?_" said Kurt.

"Yep, fuzzy, all's as it, like, should be," replied Kitty.

Rogue and Remy were lying on Remy's bed. Remy sneezed, and he brushed against Rogue's face. Remy slid off the bed, dragging Rogue down with him.

"_Merde,_" said Rogue, rubbing her head. "Ah mean crap! Man, Ah'm sick of talkin' like y'!"

"We need t' stop meetin' like dis, eh, _chere?_" said Remy.

"If it's happenin' so often we can refer t' it in dat manner, den _oui,_ we do. CRAP!"

"Yep," said Kitty, hearing Rogue's shout. "Everything's, like, normal." She went back to macking with Kurt while hanging from the ceiling.

(So that's that. The sequel will be called "Shall we Touch?" unless someone can think of a better -coughcough-TITLE SUGGESTION-cough- for it. But I'm not asking for anything, except the customary review!)


End file.
